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9.4.15

I have Bipolar disorder.

Hi loves,

This is my story as somebody that is suffering from Bipolar Disorder.

People don't tend to take you very seriously unless you have a band aid over your wound. Mental illness is not given the general respect that it deserves, despite the numbers of people who suffer from one disorder or another. I've come so far with this, having ups and downs and I am still having them. I've lost alot of good friends out of my life cause of this disease. I hope to show you just how serious it is to live with Bipolar Disorder.

These are some of my symptoms that led me to get myself checked out: I'm super hyper for no good reason, all I wanna do is clean everything, I become super optimistic for a short period of time, my sex drive is outrageous, I talk very, very fast, often jumping from one topic of discussion to other in mere seconds, I also will laugh or cry for no reason at all.

There were days it has made me not able to function "normally". When I went through my mania stage it wasn't really that bad, it was the depression part of it that was a pain! I shut my fiance out of my life, picked up on drinking everyday and all day long and it hurt our relationship really badly. I'd go days without talking to my family, always making ridiculous excuses to my mother everytime she tried to talk to me.

It all started when my father passed away. I'm the oldest child in the family, I had to be the strong one so I started mostly bottling up my feelings and going into a deep freeze that didn't help my depression. I was trying to be strong for my mom and my siblings. I've always had a hard time talking about my feelings since then. I felt like if I did talk about my problems and anxiety that my family and friends would look at me differently. Basically I kept telling myself that, if I did share my problems with them, they'd know my weakness. I've had so many episodes where I was so suicidal that any little thing would trigger my mood swings and I'd cut myself. I never cut myself for attention but more so for the reason of trying to find inner peace. I really believed that if I cut myself and let myself bleed that I'd find my problems bleeding away with it and boy was I wrong. It's amazing how over the years of suppressing how I felt manifested into something much more nastier. It was easier for me to cry alone than to cry on someone's shoulders. I just had this fake persona of myself around people where I'd smile and be happy and NO ONE would know the excruciating emotional pain I was going through inside.

It was so easy for me to just push away people that love me and wanted to help me but I didn't wanna be helped, I didn't recognize that there was something wrong with me, I was in major denial. I never thought that I could be depressed and that I might need professional help. When I did get diagnosed with bipolar disorder and got put on bunch of medication, I didn't feel any better! I felt more suicidal and I found it harder to function in my day to day life. I FELT NUMB.

I started obsessively researching about what I have and how I can tame it without medication. I educated myself on it and took myself off of the medications slowly, without my doctor knowing. I picked up on working out and eating right and that seemed to have been doing the trick! I loved it! After so long I was naturally high off life, but I was doing it for all the wrong reasons and lets just say it came to bite me on the butt. I started using alcohol to self medicate, I fell out of the routine of good habits and went right back where I was. I started abusing alcohol excessively and if I didn't drink I wasn't able to function, keeping in mind that abusing alcohol and drugs run in my family! After almost fighting and arguing with my boyfriend, now fiance, every day pretty much, missing work and hardly being able to hold up conversations with friends and family, I just isolated myself from everyone. Weeks went by and months went by and no change in me.

One morning I woke up and decided that this had to change; I had to be a better me for myself and my Fiance. I was given one life and I wasn't about to let my depression control me. My fiance blindly loves me and supports me even though I give him shit for trying to help me. I just slowly kicked my addiction of smoking and drinking. It took alot but I needed to take charge of my life. Let's just say with the positive attitude it did help me tame my depression in a good way. I channeled my negative energy into doing something I love. I struggled on a daily basis with this but sometimes you just need to "want" to be happier a little more. I started praying, I confided in GOD and am reading positive daily quotes to keep myself going and lets just say that helped alot more. 

I do slide back and forth into depression but I know that I'm a strong woman. I don't need medication to live my day to day life. It is so easy to just fall back and depend on medications but it's not always necessary. Somebody like me does alot better without medication than with medication. It's just a need to want to be happy. I personally do feel that if you surround yourself with positive people that love you and support you it tremendously helps. I'm not saying medication is bad for you by any means or asking anybody that is on medication to take themselves off it, but this is what worked for me. I genuinely wanted to heal myself from within and that's what I'm doing and it works great for me.

Present day society makes it okay to be able to talk about physical illness yet not mental illness, I just wanna bring awareness to people like me that had nobody to talk to, you guys are always very welcome to leave me a comment on here or send me an email. People really believe that it's in our head and we need to just snap out of it. They're wrong. There are people that really are mentally sick and they need help. I wanna share my journey with you guys and hopefully help some of you guys along the way. 

This might make no sense at all because I swear while I was working on this post my thoughts were pretty jumbled up.
I will keep you guys updated through my no medication journey to fight Bipolar Disorder.


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